merill.net » Jokes

Hilarious!

Merill Fernando — Thu, 21 Apr 2005 15:27:45 +0000

An asteriod hits Colombo city

Merill Fernando — Thu, 10 Mar 2005 21:18:20 +0000

Sulochanaa mailed me this joke, which takes a play on Tsunami. An Asteroid hits Colombo city

No sex tonight?

Merill Fernando — Sat, 29 Jan 2005 10:07:40 +0000

Nadeera of Atlantis One forwarded this hilarious mail.

No sex tonight?

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said “WHAT????!!! What was that?!” So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’ll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.” I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.” Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT???!!!”

I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

Want to find out how the Tsunamic REALLY started…

Merill Fernando — Tue, 11 Jan 2005 23:16:19 +0000

tzunami started.jpg

Qantas Flight Reports

Merill Fernando — Thu, 26 Feb 2004 16:28:46 +0000

Nadeera forwarded this to me and I almost fell of my chair while reading it!

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to
the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair
or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing
on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews
the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas
pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on
something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Why do men ask for a woman’s hand in marriage?

Merill Fernando — Fri, 23 Jan 2004 16:24:21 +0000

Because they are tired of using their own!

Really Cool Animation

Merill Fernando — Tue, 29 Jul 2003 16:03:44 +0000

You have got to check out this flash animation, a singing chorus of horses! [click
here]

Microsoft to the rescue?

Merill Fernando — Tue, 22 Jul 2003 13:30:27 +0000

Microsoft to the rescue? A marketing weasel came by and asked me to fix a dead notebook,
as if I’m his personal geek slave.

I said his machine was probably compromised by the Internet Explorer HTML converter
flaw Microsoft announced last week, which lets malicious Web code take over your PC.
Was he, by chance, visiting sites he shouldn’t have been? “Lemme just check the log
files for your IP address,” I said. He looked like he’d swallowed an Ethernet dongle.
“That’s OK,” he squeaked, “I’ll fix it myself.”